That deep, aching feeling of regret for not coming out sooner is a story I hear often in my practice.
It can feel like a shadow, a quiet grief for a life you imagine you could have, or should have, lived.
Many people who came out late in life describe a profound sense of loss, a feeling like they missed out on years of authentic connection, joy, and experience.
As a BACP-accredited therapist working with Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity (GSRD) communities, I see this experience as a completely understandable form of grief. It’s a mourning process for a timeline that wasn’t yours. In our sessions, the work often becomes about gently turning towards this pain, not to erase it, but to understand what it has to teach us.
This article is an invitation to do the same: to explore these feelings with compassion and to begin honouring your journey, exactly as it has unfolded.
The Grief for the ‘Life Not Lived’
It makes perfect sense that you might feel this way. From a young age, we are shown a very narrow script for what a ‘good life’ looks like.
This script is filled with milestones: first crushes, teenage dates, finding a partner in your twenties, settling down.
When you are queer, trans, or otherwise part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you often realise that your authentic life doesn’t fit this script.
For many, coming out earlier simply wasn’t safe. The pressures from society, family, or school may have been too great. The fear of rejection, bullying, or violence is a powerful force that shapes our choices.
For others, self-discovery took time. It can take years to find the language or the understanding to name your own identity, especially if you didn’t see yourself represented in the world around you.
This grief is complex.
- It can be a sadness for the younger you who had to hide or conform to survive.
- It can be an anger at the time spent in relationships that felt inauthentic.
- It can be a pang of envy when you see younger queer people living openly in a way that felt impossible for you.
These feelings are not a sign of failure. They are evidence of your longing for an authentic life, a longing that has survived and finally brought you here.
A Path Through: The Power of Radical Acceptance
In my practice, an idea that people often find transformative when grappling with these feelings is what we call ‘radical acceptance’. This is a powerful concept that comes from a type of therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), originally developed by the psychologist Marsha Linehan to help people manage intense emotional pain.
Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging and accepting the reality of your life, past and present, without judgment. It doesn’t mean you have to like the reality. It doesn’t mean you approve of the fact that you felt unsafe or that you spent years disconnected from your true self.
It simply means you stop fighting with what has already happened.
Think of it like this: if you are standing in the rain, getting soaked, you have a few choices. You can stand there and scream at the sky, furious that it’s raining. This is understandable, but it doesn’t stop the rain, and it uses up a lot of energy. Radical acceptance is the moment you say, “It is raining.”
From that point of acceptance, you can then make a choice: you can open an umbrella, find shelter, or even decide to dance in it. The acceptance of reality is what allows you to move forward effectively.
When applied to the regret of not coming out sooner, radical acceptance means looking at your timeline and saying, “This is what happened. This is my story. It could not have been otherwise, because it wasn’t.”
This act of non-judgmental acceptance can free up enormous amounts of emotional energy that were previously spent on regret, anger, and wishing things were different. It’s the starting point for true integration.
Your Timeline Forged Your Wisdom
A common impulse when we feel this regret is to want to erase the past, to cut it off and start fresh.
Yet, a more healing path often involves seeing how that past, with all its complexities and challenges, created the person you are today. The person who is reading this article, who has done the hard work of self-discovery, is a direct result of that specific journey.
Consider the possibility that the years before you came out were not ‘lost time’. They were years of observation, survival, and quiet learning.
- You may have developed a profound capacity for empathy, because you know what it feels like to be on the outside.
- You might possess incredible resilience, having navigated a world that wasn’t built for you.
- You may have a deep self-knowledge that was forged in a long period of introspection.
The you that came out at 20, 30, 40, 50, or beyond is a different person, with different resources, than the one who might have come out at 15. Your experiences have given you a unique perspective. Honouring your journey means recognising that this wisdom is a core part of who you are now. It is your strength.
Living Forward: Ways to Honour Your Journey
Moving through these feelings is an active process of compassion and integration. It involves creating a present and future that feel true to you, while holding the past with kindness. Here are some possibilities people find helpful to explore.
Making Space for the ‘What Ifs’ with Compassion
The grief for the life you didn’t have deserves to be heard. Trying to suppress it often just makes it louder. Some people find it useful to set aside a little time to consciously acknowledge it. This could look like journaling about the specific things you feel you missed out on. It could be talking it through with a trusted friend or a therapist. By giving the feeling a voice in a contained way, you can find it has less power over your daily life. It’s about tending to the wound, not pretending it isn’t there.
Finding and Building Community on Your Own Terms
Connecting with other LGBTQIA+ people is a vital part of affirming your identity. This looks different for everyone. For some, it might mean finding a local social group, a sports team, or a book club. These spaces can be wonderful, but they aren’t accessible to everyone, especially in more rural areas.
Community can also be found online. There are many forums, social media groups, and digital communities for people who came out late in life. Finding others who share your specific experience can be incredibly validating. It reminds you that you are not alone in this feeling, and that there is a rich, vibrant life waiting for you.
Creating Your Own Joyful ‘Firsts’
A beautiful part of living authentically is the opportunity to experience your own ‘firsts’. The idea of making up for lost time can sometimes feel frantic and pressured. A gentler frame is to see it as an invitation to mindfully create new, joyful memories.
This could be your first time holding a partner’s hand in public with a sense of pride. It might be your first time going to a queer film festival, or your first Pride celebration. These firsts belong to you. They are not ‘late’; they are happening right on time, on your timeline. They are just as precious and meaningful.
Connecting with Your Past Self with Kindness
The person you were before you came out deserves your compassion. They made the choices they did with the information and resources they had at the time, and their actions kept you safe enough to get to where you are today.
An exercise some find powerful is to write a letter to that younger version of yourself. In the letter, you can acknowledge their fears, their loneliness, and their strength. You can thank them for protecting you. This act can be a profound way to integrate your past with your present, closing the gap between who you were and who you are now. It’s a gesture of inner peace and self-reconciliation.
Conclusion
The regret of not coming out sooner is a heavy and common burden. It is the natural result of living in a world that asks many of us to hide. Yet, within that pain lies an opportunity. By treating this feeling not as an enemy, but as a messenger, you can begin to heal.
Your journey is not a story of ‘lost time’, but a story of survival, resilience, and the eventual, powerful triumph of your authentic self. The path you walked, with all its detours and delays, brought you to this moment. And this moment, right now, is full of possibility. Honouring your unique timeline is perhaps the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and it opens the door to a future lived with more presence, joy, and peace.
Would You Like To Talk About It?
Sometimes, navigating this journey on your own can feel overwhelming. As a therapist specialising in this area, I offer a confidential, non-judgmental space to explore these complex feelings. I provide online therapy to individuals across Europe. If you feel you might benefit from professional support, you can learn more about me and book an initial consultation.
FAQ Section
How do I handle feelings of envy towards younger LGBTQIA+ people who are out and proud?
It’s very common to feel a mix of happiness for them and a painful envy. Acknowledge the feeling without judgment. It’s your grief showing up. It can be helpful to remind yourself that their freedom is what others before you fought for. Their journey helped pave the way. Then, gently turn your focus back to your own path and the joys you can cultivate now.
I feel like it’s ‘too late’ for me to find a relationship or community. Is it?
This is a pervasive fear, but it’s one that experience consistently proves wrong. The LGBTQIA+ community is incredibly diverse in age and life experience. There are many, many people who also came out late in life and are looking for connection. It is absolutely possible to find deep, meaningful relationships and friendships at any age.
What if my family says things like, “Oh, we knew all along”?
This comment, while perhaps well-intentioned, can feel incredibly invalidating. It can minimise the very real fear and struggle you went through. It is okay to feel hurt or angry by this. Your experience is yours, and it is valid, regardless of what others perceived.
Will this feeling of regret ever go away completely?
For many people, the intense, sharp pain of regret softens over time. Through acceptance and by building a fulfilling, authentic life in the present, the past loses its power. It might always be a part of your story but it doesn’t have to be the defining chapter.
I’m not sure if I’m grieving or just being self-indulgent. How do I know?
Grief is not self-indulgent; it’s a necessary human process. Mourning the loss of a life you feel you should have had is a valid response to the real constraints you faced. Your feelings are information. They are telling you about a deep need for authenticity and connection that was unmet for a long time. Listening to that need with compassion is the opposite of self-indulgence; it’s an act of profound self-care.
Useful Resources
Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline: A confidential listening service for LGBT+ people in the UK. They offer a safe space to talk about anything, including feelings about coming out. I recommend them because they provide immediate, non-judgmental support from people who understand.
“The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs: While focused on gay men, this book offers powerful insights into the psychological impact of growing up in a heteronormative world that can resonate with many across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Though old, it’s a useful resource for understanding the roots of some of these complex feelings.