Grief is universal, yet deeply personal. The emotions that follow a loss can be overwhelming and varied—there’s no single “right” way to grieve. I’m going to say that a few times, because I really mean it. There is not single “right” way to grieve.
While the idea of “stages of grief” remains widely known, recent research has shown that grief is far more complex than moving neatly from one phase to another. This article explores the origins of the stage-based model, critiques from modern psychology, and newer approaches that better reflect the intricacies of loss.
Why We Cling to the Stages of Grief
Grief is one of the most universal experiences, yet one of the hardest to articulate.
When faced with loss, the pain can feel chaotic and consuming. The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—offer a sense of structure in this chaos. They suggest that we can have a roadmap through emotional turmoil, giving us a sense that grief has an endpoint if we can just navigate the journey.
In my experience as a therapist, this isn’t always so neat.
This model, introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her seminal 1969 book On Death and Dying, originally described how terminally ill patients grappled with their own impending deaths. Over time, it was extrapolated to the broader experience of loss, whether mourning a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a job or identity.
The appeal of the five stages lies in their simplicity. They suggest a shared, universal process—one that can be anticipated, understood, and perhaps even controlled. For those grappling with grief, this framework provides a way to name their feelings, reassuring them that their pain is valid and temporary.
But this simplicity is also its limitation. Grief doesn’t adhere to a timetable, nor does it unfold in neatly defined phases. The reality of loss is far messier—full of contradictions, detours, and moments of both despair and unexpected joy. Some people might skip certain stages altogether, while others revisit the same emotions years later.
Still, the five stages endure in popular imagination. Why?
Reason 1: A Cultural Crutch in Uncertainty
Humans crave certainty, especially in times of distress. The idea of stages offers a comforting illusion of order, giving people a way to feel “on track” in their mourning. It also helps others—friends, family, and colleagues—understand and support the bereaved. Phrases like “Oh, she’s in the anger stage” make grief more digestible for those on the outside, simplifying what is, in truth, an overwhelmingly complex experience.
Reason 2: A Legacy of Media and Misinformation
The five stages have been endlessly reiterated in books, movies, and self-help guides, embedding themselves in cultural consciousness. This repetition reinforces the notion that grief is universal and predictable, making it hard to question or move beyond the model.
Reason 3: The Need for a Narrative
Grief often feels like a story that has lost its ending. By offering a framework, the five stages provide a narrative to latch onto. “First, I’ll feel denial, then anger, and eventually, I’ll get to acceptance.” It’s a way of making meaning out of a process that can otherwise feel senseless.
Reason 4: Stages Just Make Sense
Whether it’s child development, putting together an IKA bookcase, or following a cake recipe, we use stages as a way of breaking down something into smaller manageable chunks, that give us some sense of structure and order.
The Origins of the Five Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the five stages in the late 1960s as part of her work with terminally ill patients.
Her initial aim was to describe how individuals processed their own impending deaths, not necessarily how people coped with bereavement. These stages reflected the emotional responses she observed during interviews with dying patients: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.
However, as her work gained traction, the model was widely adapted to other forms of loss. Over time, it became shorthand for how society thought grief should unfold, applied to everything from bereavement to divorce and even adjusting to significant life changes.
While Kübler-Ross herself acknowledged that these stages were not linear or universal, the model was often interpreted by others as a prescriptive guide, with individuals expected to pass through each stage in sequence. This oversimplification would later spark criticism, as grief research advanced and revealed the model’s limitations.
Critiques of the Stage-Based Model
1. Grief Isn’t Linear
One of the most significant criticisms is that the five stages imply a structured, linear progression through grief. However, studies have shown that grief is far more fluid.
People often experience a mix of emotions that come and go unpredictably.
For example, acceptance may coexist with anger, or feelings of depression might re-emerge years after a loss. The idea of neatly moving from one stage to the next doesn’t reflect the lived experience of most grieving individuals.
2. The Cultural Blind Spot
Grief is shaped by cultural, spiritual, and personal factors, making it impossible to universalize.
In some cultures, maintaining an ongoing relationship with the deceased is seen as a sign of healthy grieving, directly conflicting with the concept of “acceptance” as finality.
Individual differences also play a role—age, personality, and the nature of the loss can significantly influence how people process their grief.
3. Individual Variability
No two people grieve alike. Factors such as personality, the nature of the loss, and prior experiences all shape how grief unfolds. The expectation to follow specific “stages” can lead people to feel they’re grieving “wrong.”
4. Risk of Grief Being Considered an ‘Illness’
When the stages are treated as a roadmap, deviations from the model can lead to feelings of failure or even clinical diagnoses. Grievers may feel pressured to “move on” or believe they’re grieving incorrectly if their process doesn’t align with the stages, adding guilt or shame to an already painful experience.
While the five stages provided a starting point for understanding loss, they’re no longer seen as a definitive guide. Instead, contemporary grief research emphasizes flexibility, individuality, and the dynamic nature of grief.
Alternative Perspectives on Grief
Remembering that there is no “right way” to grieve, here are some researchers perspectives on how grieving may happen for some of us.
A. Continuing Bonds
Rather than “letting go” or achieving final acceptance, many grieving individuals maintain an ongoing connection with the deceased.
This could take the form of talking to them, cherishing their belongings, or honoring their memory through rituals. Far from being unhealthy, these bonds can provide comfort and meaning, helping people integrate the loss into their lives.
Research has shown that maintaining these connections may be beneficial in navigating grief. For example, research published in Death Studies found that maintaining certain connections to a deceased loved one can influence grief over time, with the type of bond playing an important role in whether it helps or hinders recovery (Boelen et al., 2006).
B. The Dual Process Model
Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999, the dual process model suggests that grief involves oscillating between two states:
- Loss-oriented coping: Focusing on the pain of the loss.
- Restoration-oriented coping: Adjusting to a new life without the deceased.
This back-and-forth approach reflects how people balance emotional healing with practical adjustments.
C. Resilience and Growth
Research shows that many people exhibit resilience after loss, and some even experience personal growth.
This phenomenon, known as post-traumatic growth, highlights the human capacity to find meaning in suffering.
How Therapy Can Help with Grief
Therapy offers a supportive space to navigate the overwhelming emotions that come with loss. Modern approaches to grief focus on honoring your unique journey rather than following a predefined process. Here’s how therapy can help:
Understanding Your Emotions
Grief can bring a whirlwind of feelings—sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief. A therapist helps you explore these emotions without judgment, giving you the tools to process them at your own pace.
Finding Your Own Path
One of the most valuable aspects of therapy is the flexibility it offers. There’s no “right” way to grieve (I told you that I was going to repeat this message a few times!), and a therapist can guide you through whatever feels most challenging, whether that’s guilt over unresolved issues, loneliness, or adjusting to life after loss.
Coping Day by Day
Practical support is another key part of therapy. You might work on:
- Building daily routines that bring structure and comfort.
- Setting boundaries with people whose advice feels unhelpful.
- Managing intense emotions with mindfulness or grounding techniques.
- Connecting with Others
For some, sharing their grief in a group setting can be incredibly healing. For others, it is about finding a trusted therapist who they can speak to one-on-one. There’s no one way to go about this, and your own journey will be as unique as you are.
Challenging Myths About Grief
Therapy also helps to dismantle harmful ideas about grief, like the expectation to “move on” or find closure. Instead, you’ll learn how to carry your loss in a way that feels meaningful and authentic to you.
How I Can Help You With Grief and Bereavement
Grief is one of the most personal and challenging experiences we face, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed or unsure of how to move forward. As a therapist, my goal is to provide a compassionate, judgment-free space where you can make sense of your emotions and find your way through the pain of loss.
What You Can Expect
When we work together, we’ll start with where you are right now—there’s no need to fit your grief into a particular shape or timeline. Whether you’re feeling stuck, struggling with guilt, or just need someone to listen, I’ll tailor our sessions to meet your needs.
Here’s how I can help:
- Creating Space for Your Feelings: We’ll explore whatever emotions arise, from sadness and anger to moments of relief or confusion, at your own pace.
- Finding Practical Tools: Together, we’ll develop coping strategies to help you manage your daily life while navigating the ups and downs of grief.
- Honoring Your Loss: We can explore how you might maintain meaningful connections with your loved one or explore how to carry their memory forward in a way that feels right for you.
- Challenging Unhelpful Beliefs: If you’re feeling pressure to “move on” or struggling with thoughts about how grief “should” look, we’ll work to unpack those myths and focus on what’s meaningful to you.
A Collaborative Process
I believe that therapy is a partnership. My role isn’t to lead you through a fixed process or tell you how to grieve—it’s to support you in discovering your own path, whatever that may look like.
Grief doesn’t have to be something you face alone. If you’d like to talk more about how I can help, consider booking a free consultation. We’ll take some time to explore your needs and see if working together feels like the right fit.
